Boasting of My Weakness

Paul often talked about his weaknesses and boast gladly of it. I remember when I learned of that verse in Sunday School. I have the understanding of the verse but never had the full understanding of what grace truly meant and the weakness Paul was boasting about.

The study of Daniel in our friday night bible study had made an impact in my life. Through Daniel, God has shown his sovereignty, in the past, the present and the future. Normally the books from the old testaments were stories for me, looking through history for us to better understand what God had done for His people. But has never meant more than stories. I guess God’s timing has been perfect, that even if I’m familiar with it, He revealed it to me now when I can better understand His purposes.

Daniel is one of the books where God’s sovereignty is so evident. He was in control when the Israelites were in exile and He was in control when Daniel was thrown into the Lion’s den. He is even in control in fulfilling all the prophecies He revealed through Daniel. He is Omniscient. He knew what will happen and has allowed it to happen. The trials and sufferings His people have gone through, the faithfulness and unfaithfulness of His people. And what will happen next, how He revealed His power through pagan kingdoms. It’s a hard book to study. But I’m glad that He brought me to this church to hear about it.

Pastor Rob once said in our study, “I want to live a life where in my faith is that God is working today.” I knew God spoke to me the moment Pastor Rob said that.

God has shown His sovereignty and His will will prevail. Everything that had happened in history has it’s purpose. It is not because of our will but rather He allowed it to happen for His own purpose.  But God wasn't working only in the past.  History can attest to His power but He is still in the present and in the future.

Last Thursday I was griped by fear from my past. Someone asked me why I don’t want to go back to the Middle East and I thought about the time I had there. I knew what I have done but what struck me the most was the last incident that happened right before I left. I knew I was forgiven, I knew that God has forgotten my sins. But why did this memory persists? My does my past haunt me so? In the past, I would rely on myself to make things work, to work hard to find atonement.  Trying to correct the sins I have done.  And every time I do so, I would fail miserably.  In realizing my failures, I see my weakness.  Sin ruled my life and I will forever fail if I rely on my own strength.  Like David, he didn't had a regard to the consequences when he committed adultery with Bathsheba.  His lust overruled his senses and his prideful and deceitful heart caused him to commit murder. My stubbornness and pride condemned me to an unrepentant life.  As the sins continue, so does my failures.  What hope is there when I knew I am not strong enough to go through life alone?

When I shared with my group that night about my struggle, I felt naked, exposed to what I truly am. I can empathize with what Mary must have felt when the people exposed her of her sin, despised by the people, the label “Harlot” yolked upon her neck. Sometimes I feel I can’t utter the right words because of shame. I have done so many deeds that could condemn me to the fiery pits of hell. So many secrets, so many sinful acts, so afraid of rejection, the label I will be put on if anyone finds out.  I am unclean, the dirtiest of all women.  I know I confessed them to the Lord and He has forgiven me. And there are days when I wish I can start all over again, make the right choices so that I would have nothing to be ashamed about. 

When I look back through my life, what I have been through and the things I have done, I realized it was not by accident that it had happened. God allowed it to happen so that I may grow closer to Him and that I may see Him.

Paul wrote “And we know that in all things, God works for the good, of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) After understanding God’s sovereignty, understanding that He allowed this to happen, I am more confident of my weaknesses. He had a purpose. So that through my weaknesses, His strength will pour in me and He will be glorified through me.

Now I wonder, if my past, my trials, my failures, my sins never happened, would I be so sure of my faith in Christ?  I am blessed truly blessed with all the trials that have come my way.  God uses our unrighteousness to draw us closer to Him.  Through the darkness, His light shine so brightly, exposing my sin so that I may repent.  When He took me out of Cayman Islands, I knew He was taking me out of my sinful life. The life that had become a lie. Though I was afraid of moving here fearing that I would be causing more sins and lose sight of Him. But He didn’t. He has been there, working in my life, guiding me, molding me, refining me.  Through my weakness, He has hold me ever more closely, with each and every trials I’ve faced. My weakness keep on pouring out, but He has been giving me strength. The most wonderful part is that with what I’ve been through, He has been using it so I can testify to others about His love. And if I haven’t gone through those obstacles, perhaps I wouldn’t know Christ as deeply as I know Him now.

And Paul’s words never rang more truer than now, “But he (Christ) said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is make perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, of Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9 to 10)

Therefore, I acknowledge my weakness and I will boast more gladly of it.  For it is through my weakness that Christ's power rests in me.  And it is through my unrighteousness that God's righteousness is revealed.  And my prayer is, I want to live a life where in my faith is that God is still working today, in me, through me and even after me so that His name may be glorified.