When We Need to Say Another Goodbye...

A few months ago, my father passed away.  Two sundays ago, my grandfather (from my mother side) died of heart failure.  And today we held his funeral service.  His death came to us as quite a shock as we weren't expecting him to die so soon.  Perhaps in my mind I was thinking that he will live up to 90 or so but then God decided it was his time.

My grandfather, we call him Ama, likes building things.  One of my fondest memory of him is when he was helping out with the renovation and he was showing me what a wood shaver was and what it does.  He was a very good carpenter and wood carver.  And one of my regrets is not learning that talent from him.  I do know I get my artistic side from his side of the family but I am not a very good carver.

It's true when they said that you don't know what you've got 'til they're gone.  I never did appreciate my grandfather as much as I should have.  He is a very happy-go-lucky person and loves to joke around, loves to flirt and has a generous heart.  When my cousin Jay was giving a eulogy of Ama, I look back and realized how much I was going to miss him.  He wasn't there much when I was growing up, yet still, he is very much a part of who I am and he was there at the time when I understood life more.

I didn't step up the podium to give him a short eulogy.  Maybe a part of me is still processing that this is it... This will be the last time I'll get to see him... This is real...

When I lived in Los Angeles for a year, I would often go home to Eagle Rock on my weekends to spend time with Ama and Ina.  Whenever I'm walking towards home, I would hear the television so loud and I knew Ama would be home.  He would always turn up the volume because he is almost deaf and couldn't hear a thing.  And in the mornings he would always be busy about something, going to the senior's center and do his routine.  He likes his routine.  In the afternoons he will take his nap and maybe a snack whenever Auntie Julie passes by to bring home some snacks.  Then he would argue with my grandma for talking too much when he wants to hear the television.  It was funny watching them.  We would have drinks together with the rest of my aunts and uncles and some of my cousins, then he would start telling stories.  Stories about his past, his adventures, his "chicks".  We would tell him that he needs to stop drinking so much, yet we know he can finish a whole bottle of wine to himself.  Guess what genes are we getting from him.

A few things that I realized about him is that whenever I am going back to Marina del Rey, he would walk me to the bus stop even though it's just around the corner.  I would often tell him that he doesn't need to but still he does.  He would carry my bag and would often walk with me and wait until the bus comes.  It wasn't until now that I realize that he does the same to the other grandkids who grew up here.  He would always walk them to school.  And often I would ask him if he has a change for my dollar bills for coins so I can use them for the buses, he would often give them to me and wouldn't accept my money in return.  And our farewell conversation will always be "Ama, aalis na po ako, magpakabait ka ha?" (Pa, I'll be leaving, you be good okay?)  And he will reply, "Ako?  Sa gwapo kong ito?" (Me?  With this handsome features?) And then we would laugh and part ways.  He would also give me trinkets but I would often refuse because I was embarrassed to take something from him.  But I didn't realize that it is his way of showing his love for us.

I don't remember ever telling him that I love him, nor do I remember showing him how much I appreciate him.  His death didn't sink in until I was listening to his eulogy.  I know I'm going to miss him sorely and I would miss hearing his loud television whenever I am walking towards home in Los Angeles, I will miss our conversations.  A part of me will always remind me of him, and I thank God for the opportunity He has given me to spend time with Ama.  I think it was God's perfect timing that He brought me to Los Angeles and let me spend time with family here, and then brought me home to spend time with family back home too.  I know I have regrets, but it serves as a lesson to remind us to spend as much time as you can with loved ones.  You'll never know when they'll be gone.

Funerals are not only for the dead but also for the living.  Life can happen in an instant or a hundred years, but Death is always a certainty.  We celebrate the life of the one we loss and we should cherish the moments we have with those who are alive.

Primo Fadul Deusa

October 2, 1929 - March 27, 2016