Last Saturday, I celebrated my 36th birthday. And looking back, I cannot believe how gracious the Lord has been to me.
Because last year, I said to my husband, "I don't want to go on for another year."
There were moments when I wanted it to end.
There was a moment when my husband caught me holding a knife in the darkness of our kitchen.
All because I thought my life is over.
I lost my job and I also felt I lost the capability of being able to make pastries due to my surgery on my right shoulder. My mind wanders to hopelessness. My career has been my pride and a large part of who I am. Without it, I did not know who I am, what I have achieved and though I failed in life.
But the Lord has been gracious. Overwhelmingly so that He allowed me to grieved what I have lost.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
It was a hard promise to cling on to. How can he be good when all the bad things are happening to me? How can He be good when I lost everything that I have worked hard for the past decade?
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? " Matthew 16:24-26
My idol had been my career, my professional standing, and myself. It took more occupation than what should have been God. But I thought my work was a way of following what God wants for my life. How do you recover from a job when you're in your mid thirties? What am I suppose to do now that my job is gone?
I am not without a purpose. God's ways are higher than mine.
"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. " Philippians 1:20-24
God has been gracious to me and my family that He has never forsaken us in our daily needs. It's been a year since I have no work, but the Lord has been providing for us and to the point that we can support others as well.
God has also been gracious to me that when the pandemic hit, it woke me up to the point that I have to take action. I have to work because I have to make sure that people who are under my care will survive. It's not just about me anymore, but others.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. - Isaiah 55:8-9
God had a purpose why he allowed me to go through that phase. I could not see further than what was within my sight but God knew what He wanted me to do. To live is Christ and to die is gain. To look forward ahead. My desire was to depart but it is more necessary for me to remain.
He knew this pandemic is coming, and He knew that we still have a job to do during the pandemic. I woke up from my self pity mode. Time is the essence and the Gospel is more urgent. God allowed me to go through it because knowing what it's like to suffer and trusting in God's grace is helping me more to put my faith that everything else will fall into place. God is still in control.
My husband wrote this post and I could not be more eloquent in describing what happened. He wrote:
My wife turned 36 today.
Thank you so much for all those who greeted, gave gifts, visited (with safety precautions), sang to her and played the guessing game of the cake reveal.
The pandemic affected us as well. There's a backstory though.
Last year, my wife was hospitalized twice, lost her job, went into a state of depression and denial, went into a soul searching mode, tried a new 'job', concentrated on her store, joined me in my adventures as we pursued church planting and mission work.
It was a tough year. Little did we know that the Lord was preparing her for the pandemic. Everything that happened last year was but a state of preparation. No one likes taking an exam, a surprise quiz, an instant recitation. But that was her year which she actually at one point said "when will all of these end?"
She was in tears.
It was also a moment where everything seems strip away and then her heart is revealed when it comes to Lordship.
She struggled until she came to understand.
Lordship is easy to talk about when you're teaching it, or listening to a preaching. It's another thing when you're undergoing something.
Then the pandemic struck. It was hard to be Christlike. She had to close her store as her landlady didn't even give her a reprieve. She kept on sending food to her staff, to pastors, as well as trying to keep the business afloat. She was paying her employees even if they weren't working (i'm not humble bragging but I'm simply pointing out the difficulty in being Christlike. It's gonna be costly.)
If you think she's a great model, let me stop you right there. She's not perfect. The model should be Jesus. She uses her life (and food) to point people to Christ.
So for her birthday, we chose to celebrate with some friends and family. In spite of this pandemic, we choose to set our eyes on Jesus (Hebrews 12:2).
Life has no meaning if we don't understand that the pain and struggle are part of the Lord shaping us. After all, He is the founder and perfector of our faith.
So yes, the Lord has prepared her for such a time like what we have now, and as we go further, we would like to encourage all of you to fix your eyes on Jesus.
The work is not done yet. We are doing some things to help others out (here I can say, pm is the key). But more importantly, as we grow in grace, may we always keep our sights on eternity.
Happy birthday, Chef Bernice.
I love you. But Jesus loves you more than I do.
I did not realize until we celebrated this year how far along God has brought me. I understood that the pain was not for me to resent God but to draw closer and to learn to rely on Him and know that everything that had happened have a purpose. When I share stories of suffering in DYFR, I understood the need of people who needs to hear encouragement that there is hope. When people share with me stories of what they are worried about and their anxieties during the pandemic, I know their worries and their pain. God has a way of preparing me to be able to continue for the sake of Christ.
I'm still in pain, there are days when it is hard for me to get up because of it, and I wish that the Lord will take it away from me. But the work continues. And I look forward to the day that there will be no more pain, no more tears. To be with Christ is the end goal. Deny myself, pick up my cross and follow him. I had to die to myself so that I will gain Christ.
I am overwhelmed by His grace. Thank you Lord for saving me and keeping me under your wings. And I am reminded of His love. Even in suffering, there is nothing that can compare to it.
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