Recent events in my life has caused me depression and anxiety.After my surgery, I stayed home for a month and there are days when I would be alone in my room crying and even refusing to see anyone or talk to anyone. Even refused to receiving comfort from my own family, my husband and friends.
The Depression
You see, I thought I was a failure. At 35, I was expecting that things are going well but it seems that I would lose all of it in a span of a week. I did not know how to face my family because I was ashamed that I did not fulfil their expectations of success. And to see another day come frightens me to the point that I did not want to last for another night. Nightmares come that reminds me of it.
My husband has been urging me to spend time with the Lord during my time of solitude. I didn’t want to. My heart was crying out, “My life is in shambles, I’m angry with God, I don’t want to talk to him.”
And I refused to talk to the Lord. I justified my anger with the Lord and talking to him hurts even more. In my mind, I know that things happen for a reason but refuse to accept that the Lord have new plans for me. I know that He is sovereign but I was afraid to ask the question why He allowed it. Because deep down, I think I knew the answer. I have made my work and career my idol.
The Anxiety
Losing work meant losing income. Back then, I was not too afraid of resigning from jobs because I always have one next in line. Everything was planned. And I kept on moving on. But this time, it was unexpected and I did not have a back-up plan. In Chinese culture, no work means no money. No money means no future. Your success meant that your income is big. And your parents cannot brag about you and your profession because there's nothing to brag about.
I thought I was doing well in terms that I am a bread winner. Having a steady income meant being able to pay the bills, the house and whatever needs necessary. My husband resigned from a paying pastoral job to open a church plant. We were not worried about him earning because I knew my income can support him.
But losing that income meant having no means to survive. Plus my injury prevents me to going back to my line of work. Menial tasks such as combing my hair is a chore and tiresome. My anxiety of how we’re going to be able to pay our bills makes me lose sleep. If we can’t pay our bills, how are we suppose to survive?
The Lies
I came to believe that there’s nothing to look forward to after resigning from work. Fifteen years of your life down the drain. The thought of working for the same industry makes me recoil. Fears haunt me. And the thought of what’s next is terrifying. A change of career? Then the liar tells me these things:
“Everything that you have worked for is a failure.”
“You can’t do anything else. Because being a chef is all you know.”
“God wants you to suffer because you wanted to follow your own way.”
“Your family will be disappointed in you.”
“You have failed.”
Resentment also comes in.
"Was it fair? Where's the justice in that?"
"Should I fight?"
"Where is Your vengeance? Shouldn't you punish them for the wrong they have done against me?"
All of those lies goes through my head.
My Soul Refuses to be Comforted.
“I cry aloud to God,
aloud to God, and he will hear me.
In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;
my soul refuses to be comforted.
When I remember God, I moan;
when I meditate, my spirit faints. Selah” Psalm 77:1-3
One Sunday evening, while I was alone at home, I went back to Psalm 77. My husband and I have been reading the Psalms together, encouraging me to go back to the Lord.
The Psalmist was saying, “My soul refuses to be comforted.”
God had you forgotten to be gracious? Have you been angry that you have withdrew your compassion?
Even the writers of Psalm felt despair. But I have to remember what the Lord has done. The psalmist went on to remember the deeds of the Lord.
“I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds.
Your way, O God, is holy.
What god is great like our God?
You are the God who works wonders;
you have made known your might among the peoples.
You with your arm redeemed your people,
the children of Jacob and Joseph. Selah“ Psalms 77:11-15
How much of my life has been blessed by the Lord and how much have he shown that He has not forgotten me? The lies the enemy wants me to believe cannot compare to the deeds of the Lord.
Mourn, Grieve But Do Not Forget the Lord.
I cried, I grieved, I mourned. But I have to go back to the Lord. I spent my evening srying out all the hurt, pain and anger against the Lord yet praising His name. Desperate to hold on to his promises that He is still good, that He is still in control and that He is still God.
My husband kept on telling me that it is okay to mourn what you have loss. Even as I write this reflection, I cannot help but cry a little when I remember the pain. But I remember what I wrote in my despair when it all started:
How do I give praises
When my life is falling apart?
What joy can I find
When sorrows drown me out?
Losing battles left and right
The enemies are closing in the night
I can’t breathe.
The pain and misery
I cannot bear
To lose it all
‘till there’s nothing left
To follow you Jesus
comes with a cost
And I can’t breathe
But I have to sing.
I sing praises to Your name
O Lord, Most High.
To declare Your love in the Morning
And Your faithfulness by night
The Work of Your Hands
I will sing for joy
You made me glad
You made me glad
The Psalmist knew what it is like to be in despair. I am not alone in my depression. But despite that, I have to trust in the Lord that these are the works of His hands. My future is still unknown for me, but I am holding on to the promise that I am loved by God.
Lessons of Despair, Treasures of Joy.
On days that I become anxious, I will remember the Lord. When we were worried about our finances, I was reminded that it is the Lord who provides. My husband continued to encourage me to pray for our daily provisions. “We just have to be faithful in doing the work for the Lord.” The Lord answered our needs when He provided a check enough to pay for the bills, the house and for our mission trip to Ormoc. I am constantly reminded that it is the Lord who provided. Not me, not my work but it is the Lord.
On days when I felt sadness is closing in, I remember that the Lord has given me joy just being able to be in His presences without rushing out the door. I found more time to read and study the Bible, read books that I have been longing to read, to have more time to rest and recover from my injury. I remember my half-cousin telling me this a few months ago, "Put God first." I have not been putting the Lord first in my everyday life. Always rushing to be out and about, but rarely have the time to spend it with the God who is the one who wakes me up everyday,
Through the course of not knowing what’s next, I realize that I am now free to pursue new adventures. Maybe go back to studying or pursue a new career. It is scary, I am hesitant yet I know the Lord will lead me somewhere. Plans are coming and going around my head it gets exciting yet terrifying. I remember the advice I tell my kids whenever they had a hard time letting go. “Be excited for what the Lord plans for you next.” I should listen to my own words. Be excited. Be joyful and thankful that one chapter has ended and a new one is on the way and rest on the promise that I will not be forsaken.
Sometimes, I will mourn, but I know the joy will come in the morning.
"For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5
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